Received an Insurance payout? Here’s how to spend it wrongly – in SPECTACULAR fashion
Coming from a background as an educator, I’ve seen that one of the best ways of learning the right process/method is to absolutely mess it up the first time.
I’m talking about making ginormous mistakes, the point of ridiculousness, that drive home the point. Akin to electing a dodgy businessman with an equally dodgy hairdo to lead the largest democracy in the world. Amazing, but true.
(I’m willing to bet their next president will be a cancer-curing boy scout who is in bed by 10 pm, and has no twitter account)
On to today’s lesson. We are going to explore the murky unknown of how to properly spend an insurance payout. should you ever find yourself at the receiving end of a biggish cheque.
Rather than put you to sleep with the usual: save it for a rainy day blah blah, we are going to follow the blog of a certain Albus Fumblemore, who (magically) managed to blow his entire payout cheque faster than you can say “This is a work of satire and should be taken as lightly as possible”.
Feels good to finally be off chemo. Last week was my final session and my bff VoldyMold texted me over the weekend:
Yo dawg! You down for some Sawadee action? You, me, Ceverus, and Halfgit @ Golden Mile. We’ll celebrate your recovery properly maannn…………..
Of course I knew what that meant. They were going to “help” me spend a bit of my cheque. Damn. Should have thought twice before posting it on IG.
Voldy would be more about the dancing. Ceverus would only be there cos he has no real friends to hang out with, but Halfgit… man that brickhouse can chug beer like a buffalo.
Oh well. Guess we only live once right? WOLO!
Thank goodness we only live once – this hangover should have killed me twice over.
And part of me wished that Halfgit only chugged beer. It turns out that he can chug quite a number of other fluids indiscriminately. Who knew that these thai discos actually stocked up on Rose Magnum and Grey Goose? Will Chang beer ever make its come back at these joints? I should sign up for their newsletter, if they have any.
And oh, the bill…
Also: the most iconic shot of the night (well, the rest are NSFW)
Hey! Got a text from Meenerva. Funny, I never knew she was hip enough to use telegram. Fuddy duddies like her tend to cling on to whatsapp for far too long. Wonder what she wants…
Turns out that even fuddy-duddy friends of mine have IG. And follow it closely. And are not above hitting me up for a loan. I should have taken that post down, but 798 likes and counting… I’m practically an influenza.
That’s a great idea for my next post. Albus Percepal Fumblemore your next door Influenza! Gotta check out ideas for a suitable fu*kboi pose. Aviator shades and all.
Oh yeah, back to Meenerva. She wants to invest in some scheme that is guaranteed to make her a quick and easy return. I didn’t catch the investment name, but it sounded like something something Ice-See-Oh.
Alcohol on the blockchain was her enthusiastic pitch, making it transparent and immutable and whatever. 5X or 10X returns practically guaranteed in less than 2 weeks.
She said the idea wasn’t new, and it was growing in popularity. Something like this, but even better:
Being the softie that I am, of course I relented. A 40k loan to a long time friend wasn’t the most unreasonable thing in the world.
And oh she corrected me properly. Its Influencer , not influenza…
Screw this mundane life. I am going to get myself a pet iguana. Heck, I’m rich (relatively speaking, with a bank account balance above zero…)
People ask me whats wrong with Faux? No one knows that he is a bloody washed up parrot that thinks he is a phoenix. That kind of gets old after a while. But not Faux though. He seems to renew himself every now and then. Not exactly sure how he does it.
Back to my plans for an iguana..
It turns out that you can have anything for the right price. And in this case, the right price is actually an arm and a leg. Figuratively speaking of course.
www.PetIguanasForRichFolks.com delivers direct in less than 2 days. I opted for their express delivery option. Waiting is for suckers!
And I thought of the perfect
influenza influencer shot! Hint: it involves a prop with 4 wheels, and I am heading down to Leng Kee road…
The sales man was so nice to me! Practically was begging me to take a loan – which I did. Not that I had any other choice, barely had anything leftover to cover the 40% downpayment.
But looking on the bright side… Guess who is now a proud owner of this 4 wheeled beauty:
Salesman told me this model was called: A Vent A door. But I counted 2 doors, so is the other one considered a vent? Anyway… can you say zoom zoom?
Oh boy! Just waiting for Iggie (my soon to be pet iguana) to arrive. Aviator shades + Aloof Iguana + A Vent (and/or) A Door = Killer IG shot.
Another 15 hours to kill. Hmm.. what to do next?
It turns out that my A Vent A door turns heads everywhere. LOVE IT. Pulling up to the valet station of MBS, I can practically feel the the attention it commands. (going to stop this A Vent A Door rubbish, its a lambo from here on)
So here’s the plan. Another 2 hours till Iggy arrives, enough time to wager the rest of my bank account on the Roulette table. 3 Spins, each time on red. Practically guaranteed to 8X my money.
Collect everything in cash, fan it out on the lambo dashboard, let Iggie chill out on my shoulder and create a tight shot in the driver’s seat. #keepingthingsreal
If this doesn’t blow past the 1k likes, I don’t think anything will!
Iggie never arrived. So did my red. MBS wasn’t kind hearted enough to help me out when the first spin landed on 0.
Zero! What are the bloody odds of that!! (Barry Sotter told me it was 2.7%, that smart ass)
Seems that iguanas are considered endangered species in Singapore and cannot be mail ordered like a book. Dang. And customer service from www.PetIguanaForRichFolks.com were apologetic, but not nearly enough to return me my money. They said explained how they have to spend it taking care of Iggie for the rest of his natural life.
(Funny, they also operate a sister site called www.TastyIguanaSoupForTheSoul.com. I am trying not to read too much into it.)
Oh well, that’s life. At least I still have Meenerva’s successful Ice-See-Oh to look forward to. I can always count on her to return the money, and then some.
Its official now. Blockchain technology makes records immutable and transparent, but it cannot prevent Alcohol from evaporating.
Meenerva explained how she bought tokens called ALCO, then the company disappeared from the face of the earth.
I feel a chill in my spine. It was time to return my lambo and tried to contacted Ronnie Weaselly, the friendly sales man. His voice mail seemed to indicate he was out celebrating in the Maldive islands…
Seems that I caught a cold with all this running around and drama.
Apparently influencers aren’t immune to influenza.
So really, what is the proper (non-parody) way to use an Insurance payout?
Reality is usually a lot more prosaic.
Save the payout for a rainy day, use it for daily expenses, invest in education etc. But we already know all of that, don’t we?
www.ClearlySurely.com aims to eradicate the knowledge gap between consumers and Life Insurance. Our Vision is that one day, every Man, Woman, and Child will be properly insured.
Legalese to ward off those with an impaired ability to recognize sarcasm / a work of parody: Ahem. This is a work of satire. Albus Fumblemore does not exist, neither do the other characters mentioned, except only in our imagination. Heck, you can’t even buy iguanas (legally) in Singapore. I know, cos, erm, I know a friend who tried. “He” is still trying till this day.
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